Jesus Christ: The First Charlie Sheen

So I was talking to one of my friend about an idea proposed by the author of The Da Vinci Code. This was the idea and belief that Jesus was in fact married and even a father. Of course he, being a devoted Catholic, found all this to be false fabrication to sell a few books. I, of course, disagree. I think that Dan Brown, if anything, underestimated Jesus’ ass-getting abilities.
Lets review the 5 reasons, in my mind, made Jesus such a catch.

1. Like Father Like Son.
Only an almighty god can knock up a girl and make her believe that she was still in fact a virgin, making me in turn believe that suaveness like that might be hereditary. If in fact that talent is transmissible then Jesus would be the only man on earth to inherit god like abilities in the ladies department.

2. Surfer’s body.
What straight women wouldn’t like a man with the chiseled body of a…well a god? Being a carpenter not only gave him the benefit of being an awesome furniture maker but also gave him the lean look of a surfer. Don’t believe me? Just look at all the crucifixes. Other than the fact that he is dying on it, the six pack and the long hair would make any guy envy him and any girl get hot under the robe.

3. Jesus What?
Being called “the son of God” not only made you respectable but also very rich in peoples’ mind. Women would flock to a man who was believed to either be very rich or have a possibility of a future success. Kind of like how a prince would get all the babes because his dad is the king, or how a brat would get away with a DUI because his dad is the State Attorney. Not only did he get the ability to get women drunk with water but he also got a great last name.

4. Famous
Only the most famous of people walk around with a group of people. That we now call an “entourage” but back then each one of them was considered a disciple because “entourage” was considered too Frenchy and their hate for France was so immense that the country didn’t even exist. These “disciples” where so hungry for fame that they decided to mooch off of Jesus’ life and beliefs and write a book to pay their bills. Even now his fame has made that book more popular than Harry Potter, another book about a boy that gets popular because of his magical abilities.

5. Commitment?
Are you looking for a long relationship? Well Jesus’ wasn’t. He was probably one of the only men of his time to have the ability to say, “I would love to marry you, but….yeah.”
His awareness of his early death didn’t leave much room for a long term commitment and therefore giving him the excuse for one night stands.

If that hasn’t changed your mind on why we now celebrate the birth of the world’s coolest person and basically the oldest known rock star, then I don’t know what will, maybe you can ask yourself WWJD? (Who Would Jesus Do?).
So in conclusion I don’t believe he was married, he’s too cool for that and I don’t believe he had an offspring, but many.
Happy Birthday J-Man

Love the language but hate the music.

As a few of you that know me personally might know, I am very opinionated. They would also know that there are a lot of things I don’t like, one of these things being Spanish music.
Before anyone sets out to do away with me, I would like to make my point. I will get to only some genres and explain in full detail the things I don’t like about them and the artist that furthermore make me want to shove my head into a blender and take some of that music with me and maybe spare the innocence of a future generation.
I will begin in no specific order.

Bachata:
This genre of music is generally new. It’s basically like emo’s gay cousin. The songs usually consist of depressing themes that are interlaced with an upbeat sound in slow motion. The groups consist of metrosexual guys in a band with names that don’t make sense with the genre. On so call group is X-Treme. Which makes no sense since no part of them is extreme. Well maybe one of the dude’s eyebrows.

Duranguense:
The only thing I like about this genre is that there is fewer members now than there was a few months ago. Yes I went there. I guess someone was as fed up with me about this music style that they decided to do something about it. We all know that this style is almost always associated with crime and trafficking and it’s no surprise that lately there are fewer artists due to that.

Reggaeton:
Who decide to rape an already bad genre like reggae and keep the retarded baby? The only creative things these people do is come up with stupid names for themselves. Why cant there be an artist that keeps their own name? Not only are they themselves untalented but the music they produce is uncreative. Its easy to rhyme when you purposely put the same ending to words that otherwise wouldn’t rhyme.

Spanish Rock:
I have nothing against this genre. I love rock, but I hate fakers. Who decide to make RBD and Belinda rock artist? Who ever decided this can contact me, arrange a meeting and hopefully get your ass kicked for ruining such a good genre. Although there are many great rock artist that sing in spanish like Molotov and El Tri, there are also great artist with gay names. Please do me and all of your fans a favor and change your name. You can’t get much respect with a band name like Camilla or Allison. Those are girl names for a reason.

That should cover most of the big selection in spanish music. If I miss any important ones let me know so I can tell you what I hate about them.