So I was talking to one of my friend about an idea proposed by the author of The Da Vinci Code. This was the idea and belief that Jesus was in fact married and even a father. Of course he, being a devoted Catholic, found all this to be false fabrication to sell a few books. I, of course, disagree. I think that Dan Brown, if anything, underestimated Jesus’ ass-getting abilities.
Lets review the 5 reasons, in my mind, made Jesus such a catch.
1. Like Father Like Son.
Only an almighty god can knock up a girl and make her believe that she was still in fact a virgin, making me in turn believe that suaveness like that might be hereditary. If in fact that talent is transmissible then Jesus would be the only man on earth to inherit god like abilities in the ladies department.
2. Surfer’s body.
What straight women wouldn’t like a man with the chiseled body of a…well a god? Being a carpenter not only gave him the benefit of being an awesome furniture maker but also gave him the lean look of a surfer. Don’t believe me? Just look at all the crucifixes. Other than the fact that he is dying on it, the six pack and the long hair would make any guy envy him and any girl get hot under the robe.
3. Jesus What?
Being called “the son of God” not only made you respectable but also very rich in peoples’ mind. Women would flock to a man who was believed to either be very rich or have a possibility of a future success. Kind of like how a prince would get all the babes because his dad is the king, or how a brat would get away with a DUI because his dad is the State Attorney. Not only did he get the ability to get women drunk with water but he also got a great last name.
4. Famous
Only the most famous of people walk around with a group of people. That we now call an “entourage” but back then each one of them was considered a disciple because “entourage” was considered too Frenchy and their hate for France was so immense that the country didn’t even exist. These “disciples” where so hungry for fame that they decided to mooch off of Jesus’ life and beliefs and write a book to pay their bills. Even now his fame has made that book more popular than Harry Potter, another book about a boy that gets popular because of his magical abilities.
5. Commitment?
Are you looking for a long relationship? Well Jesus’ wasn’t. He was probably one of the only men of his time to have the ability to say, “I would love to marry you, but….yeah.”
His awareness of his early death didn’t leave much room for a long term commitment and therefore giving him the excuse for one night stands.
If that hasn’t changed your mind on why we now celebrate the birth of the world’s coolest person and basically the oldest known rock star, then I don’t know what will, maybe you can ask yourself WWJD? (Who Would Jesus Do?).
So in conclusion I don’t believe he was married, he’s too cool for that and I don’t believe he had an offspring, but many.
Happy Birthday J-Man
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