Like a gay man, I too hate pussy.

So late last night, another one of my sleepless nights, as I watched a bit of late night TV and deleted some questionable porn that seems to just download by itself, I heard a strange and eerie sound. At first I was spooked; it was the sound of a crying baby.

So I did what any concern (freaked out) person does in the movies. I told the black guy to check it out. Unfortunately I had no token black guys at my disposal or no group for me to split up, so I went alone. Turns out that cats sound like a crying baby when they fuck.

So I came back inside a little disturbed and started to think about cats and why I hate them so much. To my surprise, I hate cats more than I thought.

First of all, cats are hornier than teenage nerds but as promiscuous as middle aged divorcees. That itself is wrong, because as we all learn at the playground, sex will make Mother Goose bring you cabbage and in a few months that cabbage will make a baby and coleslaw, or something like that and that’s what we need. More cats.

Cats also make awful pets. Unlike dogs, cats seem to have a tack for not listening. You can call them by name, nothing. You can call them by the generic “Kitty”, nothing. You can throw your shoe at it, stare down then nothing. Who wants a pet that isn’t going to obey you? I sure the hell don’t.

A dog will stay in one place, no matter how much it wants to move, because it was told to stay there. It’ll come to you no matter what and it’ll play with you at anytime. Don’t expect that from a cat.

“But cats are independent, that’s why they’re so cool.”

If cats were really that independent they wouldn’t be pets. Pets are things you take care of, things that are DEPENDENT on someone else. If cats were really that independent they would open the cat food themselves and clean the litter box themselves.

If you have inside cats, then the hell with you. You’re fucking nuts. If you have outside cats, I have news that might shock you, so sit down. Ready? YOUR CAT IS USING YOU. Hope it’s clear enough.
If you’re cat is outside most of the time then don’t count on it being on your property. Outside cats do only a few things. They walk around town, get laid, walk it off, get laid some more, eat a mouse then come home right on time to get feed. Don’t believe me? See for yourself. Your cat will be nowhere near your house hours before and after you feed them because they’re using you. Not dogs, dogs are too awesome to do that to you, plus they can’t jump over a fence nearly as well as a cat.

Fuck I hate cats.