Why not giving anything for Valentine Day is better for the relationship, and why getting something is an outright insult.

Think about today, today is the national day for inevitable love-making, or as some of the world would call it, fuck day. Not to be confused with “Fuck Summer” which happened in 1969 and I was, unfortunately, not born yet. Well anyways, I started to think about all those Valentine inspired gifts you find prior to the actual day. Contrary to popular belief the gifts are inspired by day and not the other way around. Because after all, it’s a valid holiday and not a sham one, valid like Christmas and its purpose, gifts.
When you start to think, well over think like I do, you start to find underlining insults to the all the common gifts you give and hope to receive. Don’t believe me? Let me change your mind.

Chocolates
What are chocolates? Little brown sweet things, right? Well, sure, in the beginning. So what are you trying to say? The subtle message here is, I love you so much that I’m giving you something that will probably make you fat and will probably raise your chance to get diabetes like 3%. So you better hope I don’t stay with you too long, because if I do, I threaten your health.

Roses
I’ve always thought roses where good gifts, but now, I don’t know. They sort of give the impression that it’s only going to last a few days if properly cared for. It’s not even a thoughtful gift. Who wants to get a gift that, in reality no one wants, has to be taken care of? And why so many? Wouldn’t it be nicer for the two if only one rose was given? Less money spent, less responsibility when it comes to keeping it alive. It’s a win-win.

Jewelry
I’ve never been a fan of jewelry to begin with, but its just a blank and straightforward insult to give it as a gift. What are you saying with a shiny necklace? Hey people, veer your eyes away from my wife and look at the shiny thing on her neck, because unlike her that’s actually nice to look at. Basically the prettier and shinier it is, the more your boyfriend thinks your face isn’t. Sorry that the truth is so harsh. But I’m here to teach.

Nightwear
Simply put, naked is better. If you get one then your nudeness is underappreciated and that can be problematic.

Cards
This one is easy. What are cards? Cheap and widely available.

So there you have it, you romantics. Next year when you look for a gift for your hottie, you should really think of what you’re getting them. As for me, I love my boo so much that I’m not getting her anything, because getting her something, as you can see, is insulting, and I like her too much to insult her.