Really, Why Do You Wear It?

First of all let me start by saying that I’m not a man of fashion, I’m just an honest man with an honest opinion and a keen eye for dipshits and their dipshit apparel. Now that we got that out of the way let me start telling you about things people wear that should be legally banned.
Let’s not waste any time and get straight to it. If you’re a weak reader, brace yourself, its going to be a long ride.

High Heels
I’m starting with this one because it seems to be the one I get the most retaliation from. It’s very simple. If you’re not a runway model, a high corporate puta, or a corner whore you have no reason to wear them. What do they do really? Make your legs look better? Make your butt look better? Sorry to tell you but neither. Want to know why models have great legs and butts? BECAUSE THEYRE MODELS!!!!! Its not the high heels it’s the sheer fact that they’re models and they get paid because they already look good. The heels emphasize great legs, they don’t make great legs. Also, 90% of the people who shouldn’t be wearing them don’t know how to walk with them anyways. I don’t know about you but walking with your back hunched over whilst taking little steps doesn’t read sexy on my sexy meter. As for women CEO’s and whores, well let’s face it. If you’re a CEO you shit money so you don’t care and if you’re a whore, your feet are the last thing your customers are thinking about.

Leggings
Hey if it came from the 80’s, let it stay in the 80’s. Seriously, who’s the stupid jerk off who decided to bring this back? I bet it was a woman. A man wouldn’t try to add another road block to their destination. The only thing this promotes is bad maintenance. It gives a girl a reason to wear a skirt even if she only shaved up to her knee. Its kind of like a “fuck it” provider. I also believe that it’s a loop hole for women to wear short skirts without risking groin flashes. This is my theory about skirts and why leggings contradict my theory. If you wear a skirt, you have to accept the possibility of a panty flash; if you don’t want to risk a panty flash then don’t wear a skirt. It’s more respectable, in my opinion, for a girl to not wear a skirt than to wear one with leggings. Plus it doesn’t look cool, at all.

Cocked Hats
I love wearing my black cap. I love wearing caps in general and I love people who wear them. I think they’re the coolest most versatile pieces of accessories, but you can go to hell if you think you look good having it cocked a little to one side. This is what bothers me most about that style. It takes away the sole purpose of hats, and that is to cover your eyes from the sunlight. I’ve seen people wearing their hats pulled a little to one side and stand around using their hands to cover the light. I sometimes wonder why they even bother to wake up in the morning. It’s like having boat on a freezing lake with you in the water because you look better in the water than you do in the boat. It makes no sense. The only times you’re allowed to do that without looking like a douche bag is when you have to face a certain direction but the sun is position in a way that cocking your hat would help. The other time it’s allowed is when you’re just a douche and you want to tell the world you’re a douche.

Big Bags
We have to give it up for the famous to make such stupid ideas popular among stupid people. Really what do you have to carry that it won’t fit in a regular purse? I can understand why Paris Hilton would wear one; she has a lot of big items she has to carry: a dog, a camera and a hard cover copy of “How to Make Your Ass (and Vagina) the Basis for Every Joke”. I mean I remember going to Mexico once and seeing the older ladies shopping with these big mesh bags, why aren’t they selling those stores? Also why do they call them hobo bags? Any hobo would be ashamed to have such an ugly bag named after them. A hobo wouldn’t be caught dead carrying one of them, they have too much common sense and dignity.

Belts around the Waist
I wear a belt. I have nothing against belts even when used as an accessory. I do, however, have a thing against wearing a belt in the wrong place. Once again I’m not a fashionista and maybe those things have a name, but I’m going to refer to them as gut huggers, because that’s literally what they do. Hug and tuck your gut. A belt is meant to hold or compliment your pants; they were not meant to hide your gut, that’s what a gym’s for. I don’t have a thing against big girls or guys, if that’s how you roll, more power to you, but don’t try to hid rolls by placing a big fat belt around it. If you don’t have a waist don’t try to trick us into thinking you do, because I don’t know if you know this, but the people you’re trying to trick are probably people that already know your fat, so its lost battle.

Skinny Jeans
This goes out to all the emos of the world. Its nothing against you guys, so go ahead, slice, dice and complain to your hearts content, this goes out to your heavier comrades. Please, if you’re over 200 lbs, skinny jeans are just not for you. Oh, sure, its makes your cankles skinnier but it doesn’t take away the fact that the rest of you isn’t. The jeans are what’s skinny not the person in them. I, personally, like jeans, I’ve been an avid wearer, (not the skinny ones but the regular ones) ever since I can remember, but if you’re a girl and you wear skinny jeans, no matter how thin you are, you shouldn’t go out thinking of how sexy you look, because although you might look alright, its definitely not hot attire. It’s ok if you wear them, even cute at times, but for some reason making your butt look 100x’s bigger than your ankles doesn’t shout sexy. And guys, stop wearing girl clothes, just because it’s ok for girls to wear our clothes doesn’t justify you wearing theirs. Also, cut your hair. Their’s only 3 people than can rock long hair: Barry Gibbs, Jesus and me.

Pink
Ok, this one’s for the men. It’s also an old trend, not really seen anymore, but yet it continues to bother me when I do see it. I’m talking about the guys that wear pink and believe that it’s a unique little statement about their manhood. Look, it wasn’t funny when you wore that shirt that read Real Men Wear Pink and it wasn’t a statement when you wore a pink bowtie to prom. Pink on guys have been around for a long time, it’s not new. The only difference is that it wasn’t as gay to wear it then as it is now. Back in the day, it was considered salmon and it was common, but now, thanks to a few idiots, it’s called pink and it’s considered a statement. Fucking hate it.

Scrubs
Who the hell do you think you’re fooling? Do you really want me to believe that by wearing a pair of scrubs I’m going to assume you’re a doctor? Yes because all doctors shop at the 99 cent store and drive a 1998 Ford Focus. I shop at the 99 cent store because I’m not a doctor. You want to know how I know someone’s a doctor. Doctors are those guys that wear slacks and a polo shirt while walking to their BMW or Mercedes. They don’t have to show people their credentials, because their too busy keeping people alive and overcharging them for Tylenol.

Shit, this is getting longer than I wanted it to be. I’m just going to stop right here and maybe continue on a later post.

To conclude my rant, I would like to say this: People, if you have a few working brain cells, please do me a favor and stop dressing up like an asshole. Thank You.

Trust me, there’s more to come on this subject.